Miami Vice

The Fontainebleau, Miami Beach

Apparently the fad, fashion, craze, or trend in Miami Beach at the moment is for bigger and better night clubs. I guess they were there before - Miami has been “The American Riviera” for most of the twentieth century, and The Delano in South Beach has been a Phillip Starck farmyard for Beautiful People since its refurb - but these days more and more upscale clubs seem to be opening. Some lovely restaurants have abandoned the artistry of fine dining to turn their premises into meat markets with load rap music - oh, sorry, I mean into night clubs. Excuse me...it seems my frumpiness is showing. Perhaps I need to holiday in the more bucolic Naples, Florida or Boca Raton. But be that as it may, there’s no doubt that the refurbished Fontainebleau Resort provides in people-watching what it lacks in elegance. An hour spent in the lobby ‘Bleau Bar’ in the evening will be an amusing education, if only to keep you guessing who is wearing underwear and who is not.

Poolside

In the 1950s Miami Beach was the place to see and be seen, as the cliche goes. The original Fontainebleau was a daring new architectural creation by Morris Lapinus, a great curving building enclosing the pools and setting a stage for everyone who was anyone to play it cool. 1954: the era of Frank Sinatra, The Rat Pack, Ella Fitzgerald, Jack Dempsey and Mickey Rooney. But don’t be thinking that the refurbed Fontainebleau has chosen to go for retro cool. No, today we have a reinterpretation for the skinny women who adore a neo-prostitute look in fashion, the rap boys who drool after them, and some border-line tacky decor. Some might say over-the-border-line.

Miami Beach colours

The Fontainebleau now has 1500 rooms, 10 restaurants, 2 nightclubs and 8 swimming pools. It does not, however, have an outdoor breakfast venue which opens before 11 am. Which may of course reflect the fact that its nightclubs don’t close until 5 am, so who, like, wants breakfast? If you do, you can eat indoors, and be seated by young hostesses in tiny black mini-skirts, nine-inch heels, generous cleavage and buckets of heavy eye-makeup. If you can stomach that with your eggs at 8 am.

The pools at The Fontainebleau are lovely. Its bit of Miami Beachfront is one of the prime bits, and the ocean there is clean, clear and changes colours daily. Did I mention that no self-respecting night club these days can be without a pool? At The Fontainebleau’s ‘Arkadia’ (creative spelling! cool!) the pool is described as “adult”, though quite what that means is left to those in the know. At The Delano, guests dance IN the pool, or sit at tables and chairs IN the pool, taking the whole concept just that bit further. As The Fontainebleau’s website says of ‘Arkadia’, leaving little to your imagination:

Arkadia thrives on the element of surprise. Intimate, sexy alcoves deliberately designed and arranged by celebrated visionary Francois Frossard, make it possible for guests to lose their sense of time and inhibitions.

Preferred seating.

Not being young, skinny or caring to lose my inhibitions in a public club, I preferred lolling on the undeniably excellent beach. Appropriately, I could order a cocktail called a ‘Miami Vice’. I asked for it virgin.

Beach colours, early morning (not seen by night clubbers)

A very nice bit of beach.

'Miami Vice'. Virgin.